sometimes
the flowers sewn onto my sweater
or
the easy smile I wear
doesn't suit the inside of my soul well.

I've spent a decent portion of my life laughing
at jokes that aren't funny
ranting when I'm barely angry
and
wanting to be a person [of some mixture]
that I'm not.

the ache is making the board of me
bow and I can hardly remember anything
from the last few minutes
[or the ones before that, or the ones before that]

maybe it's because I'm lonely
or maybe the most exhausting and
depressing part
is the inability to be whole
around anyone but myself.

I had been wearing heels all day, but wanted to go everywhere. Having just moved into my new place I wanted all sorts of things to put in it, which meant lots of shopping. He was exhausted but willing to go with me. Slightly annoyed and tired, he held my hand tight to show that he cared and smiled that pressing tight smile only made with force. Finally, in the last store I was starting to feel sick because my feet hurt so badly (I don't wear heels often), and he could tell I was struggling. Probably, in part, because I was doing a little bitching, but there was something else in his eyes, too. There was a moment when he looked at me, and it was like I could see an epiphany happening. With a smirk, he pulled me across the department store into the shoe section, and finally to the slippers. Grabbing a pair of large boys' loafer-like things, he motioned me to kick my shoes off revealing my white tights. One of my toes was bleeding from those awful high-heels! With a look of concern he touched my foot, then my toe, and finally put them on my feet. We walked around and giggled to ourselves about how silly I looked with my orange dress, white tights, and tan boys' slippers. It was one of the best times we've had.

I took a shower tonight
naked and free
it was a specific moment where
all I yearned for was loneliness

I dream of traveling down the sardine-packed streets
like an invisible stranger
gazing silently
at all the
lovers quarreling [you never loved me, did you]
children playing [that fountain is the castle]
and
the depressed walking quietly [all my moments hurt]
with a pack of cigarettes
and a calm that sits so still
within me
that I can be anywhere
naked and free